The 49er - Who am I? - Toni Kent – Speaker, Writer and Stand Up

The 49er – Who am I?

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Ever felt like you don’t know who you are? Well, you’re not alone.

A couple of years ago I reached that point to the extent that I sought out therapy (you can listen to an earlier podcast episode about that here). The death of my mother, fractioning of family and after effects of COVID left me spinning. Who actually was I if I didn’t have parents? Or if my life was so far removed from where I’d started out that I couldn’t recognise myself anymore? What did I even want out of life?

Big ass questions. But not uncommon for many of us approaching the age where our children are preparing to leave home or we’re starting to think about whether we’ll be ruled out of opportunities because of our age. Or our bodies are telling us that sleep is no longer a given or that running is no longer on the cards.

Finding where you fit

My own exploration of self began – as I’m sure it did for most of us – waaaaaay back. My mum used to say that I was “like Barbie”. Not in the sense that I had no genitalia, but in the sense that I was always switching in and out of my clothes. Going out to play would be punctuated with a return home to switch up my ‘look’ and I think this played out into my teens where I went from dressing like a ‘metaller’ to a raver via a terrible blip where I wanted to look like an R&B or swingbeat kid. Under no circumstances should I have been allowed to try to emulate Louise Nurding….

Speaking with friends of a similar generation this finding your ‘tribe’ was a classic rite of passage and something I remember being spoken about far more eloquently on the Blind Boy Podcast where he described how you had to dress in a particular way for people to know the kind of music you were into and, therefore, make new friends.

For lots of us this continues if we move area – check out the local playground at pick-up or drop-off to witness the gathering on the clans in action. I’d always thought I was quite the social butterfly but people definitely end up sorting themselves into groups.

Caring out how others see us

I guess I kind of settled into a bit of a look which was mine – typically involving jeans, an ancient River Island cowboy belt and a pair of boots. I guess in my head it said ‘this woman still likes rock music’ (kill me now – I am cringing as I write this!) but it’s more likely that it says ‘this woman is stuck in the past’.

And if I’m honest, I mostly don’t mind what people think about me. And make fun of the fact that what comes out of my mouth is often completely counter to how I look – the amount of times I’m mistaken for a well-to-do, ‘well brought up’ woman is funny to me – but there is one place that I draw the line:

Don’t ever call me a ‘yummy mummy’

During the time I was giving stand-up a proper go, I was introduced by an MC with precisely those words. I mean, what the actual….. Have you even met me?! For him, probably just something to say to the crowd. And probably something that set them up for a nice surprise. But to me – it was an absolute knife to the heart.

It’s interesting to reflect now on how wound up I was. As someone who has often felt unsure about who they are or where they fit in, this was something I knew I was most definitely not. It made me realise how defined I am by my ability to support myself and having carved a route out of disadvantage. Give me a bag with a cupcake stitched on it and I will give a look so filthy you’ll be washing for days… 😉

What makes us who we really are

I know that I’m different today than I was when I was about to turn 40. And things will be different again when I’m about to hit 60. But the important things do stay the same.

A former colleague at Reed (hi Sarah!) got in touch off the back of a recent podcast to say she remembered how “headstrong” I was and how that had helped to make me successful, a family member told me I “never did shut up” (kind of necessary if you’re going to communicate for a living), a good friend said how she was impressed that I “always find a way”.

These traits and threads are the things that make us who we really are. When others recognise and replay them back to us is when we feel truly seen.

If you’re feeling like you don’t know who you are, know that you’re not alone. And that it’s ok to ask for help. Today’s podcast episode explores this in a little more detail – and offers you a banger of a tune that was definitely not written by a midlife woman!