The 49er - Sort your bloody midlife out! - Toni Kent

The 49er – Sort your bloody midlife out!

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Ever end up distracting yourself doing small things to convince yourself you’ve achieved something?

Lots of mid- to long-term things to sort out in my life but instead, I’m deleting photos from my phone…what’s that all about?

Don’t sweat the small stuff?

We are told not to fret and worry about little things but at the same time taught that ‘many a mickle makes a muckle’ AKA ‘little things add up to big stuff’. So it’s in that spirit that I’ve written myself a list for today which means I’m able to tick things off and give myself some semblance of a sense of achievement.

Planning for the future

It’s possible that this is merely a distraction from some larger things I need to think about. In reading an interview with Gary Newman in The Times on Sunday, he spoke about how he has to plan for what’s next for his career whilst simultaneously helping his 21 year-old daughter with hers…is there no rest even for 80s idols?

It made me think about how little planning I’ve done for my career beyond following my nose towards things that I’d like to do. Does that count as a plan or am I just leaving my career prospects to fate? With no manager to report to or HR dept threatening to sack me if I don’t undertake some mandatory training, motivation is the muscle that I need to flex on the daily. Perhaps there is a better way?

The courage to ask questions

As someone who is massively averse to ‘vision boards’ and 5-year-plans I’m trying to summon up the courage to seriously consider the kinds of questions that financial planners ask you like:

Where do you see yourself in ten years time?
What would you like your life to look like?
What are you going to do today to make that a reality?

With 13 years of freelancing under my belt and a career built on being creative and trying things on for size, actually planning stuff feels like a LOT of effort. What if I make the ‘wrong’ choice? What if I change my mind? What if something big happens?

Early experiences influence attitudes

To put my serious hat on for a moment, I reckon there’s definitely an element of times where my life was such a series of emergencies (whether real or fabricated) that I end up taking future planning with a pinch of salt. There is nothing like four members of your family all phoning and messaging you at once to make your heart sink to the pit of your stomach.

The result is that there are times when I’ve felt like I’m crouched in the starting blocks waiting for the next thing to happen when instead I could have been setting my own pace on the track. Times when I’ve not made plans I wanted to make on the basis that someone else might ‘need’ me.

Creating the life that you want

If you’re the person who has often been the one to respond to emergencies, or who is relied upon to help others, it can be very easy to place yourself in a position where what you actually want comes last. Or you feel that what you want is frivolous or unimportant. You can end up being complicit in creating a situation where you’re not achieving what you want by virtue of holding yourself back.

If you’re naturally inclined to put yourself second, it’s a big job to focus on putting your priorities first without feeling selfish. Thing is, no-one else is going to do these things for you. Your heart knows what it wants. When we’re not true to ourselves, it starts showing up in our behaviours and interactions with others, so what are we supposed to do?

Asking for help

As documented previously, I found therapy a help. And, I’m also a huge advocate for seeking out coaches. At a time in my career when I felt I was stuck at a crossroads and during the time when I was questioning estrangement, I found two coaches who were expert in each of those fields. Once I’d got over the sense of privilege I had in being able to afford this (see the ludicrousness in the way we beat ourselves up?!) I found that the conversations I had with these coaches made my next steps forward so much easier.

Continuing the conversation

This post has gone proper off-piste but isn’t that just what being a 49er is all about? There’s a lot going on and in the chaos of midlife it can be hard to pick out your path. So, if you want to continue the conversation, do put a comment below. Or you can join in on Facebook where the conversation is about whether to let dogs into the bedroom or not.