I had a conversation today with someone I’ve never met before and yet felt I could trust enough to share some incredibly personal truths 1:1 in a way that I wouldn’t even do onstage (if you’ve taken part in a Q&A after one of my talks, you’ll know you can Ask Me Anything!).

It was a beautiful example of the power of being introduced through a friend. And the value in being open to new connections.

In this instance, my friend had said “Oh, Toni, I need to introduce you to this person. I met them at an event and just know you’ll get along”. And he was right! We got along like a house on fire and found that, despite where we might seem on first sight to be very different, we had shared values and an awful lot in common.

And, in the way that conversations tend to go deep quickly with someone you hit it off with, we got to talking about trauma. As you do. As an aside, I must say it’s a theme that comes through in the work that we both do – it’s not my default topic for a first conversation!

We spoke about movement and meditation, reflection and self-awareness, and the importance of knowing, setting and maintaining your boundaries. We talked about the link between exercise and mental health, the mysteries of the gut microbiome and the catharsis of pummeling pads in boxing.

We also talked about estrangement and the power of taking yourself away from places and relationships that are not good for you. It was a reminder of the fact that by virtue of purposefully removing myself as a teenager from an environment I instinctively knew was bad for me, I changed my long-term outcome – not just financially – but from a health perspective too. I think that this is something that from a social mobility perspective isn’t often covered, and probably because it surfaces some very uncomfortable truths. It is hard to acknowledge and state that you have better physical health because you closed the door on some of your deepest-rooted relationships.

Physical distance as a protective measure

In recording today’s podcast where I reflect on the conversation, I came to a significant realisation; that it would have been far harder to alter my trajectory by staying where I grew up whilst simultaneously trying to stay away from negative relationships. Sometimes physical distance is the key (and why a LOT of people cross oceans to make a fresh start as I once tried to. Turns out Australia wasn’t on the cards but never say never 😉 ).

The body keeps the score

Another area we dived into (and this person specialises in) is how your emotional wellbeing has a direct impact on your physical wellbeing. We know that loneliness and stress contributes to heart disease and auto-immune disease. If you’re interested in getting in deep, check out the classic ‘The Body Keeps the Score‘ by Bessel van der Kolk or ‘When the Body Says No‘ by Gabor Mate. Note: in the podcast I incorrectly attribute Dr van der Kolk’s book to Dr Mate. Bad Toni!!

It was on this point that the person I spoke to shared how significant mental and emotional trauma had surfaced in a swollen stomach and a series of aches and pains so I said: “Ha! That’d be why my knee hurts then!” to which they replied: “Left knee?” – ummm bingo!  Apparently left-sided pain is related to emotional tension. They told me acupuncture can help. So guess who I’m going to call next 😉

And I know, for lots of people, the idea of mind/body doesn’t sit right. Or the suggestion that your chronic pain is caused by unresolved trauma minimises real physical symptoms. For me, I’m open to exploration and enjoyed this video on the impact of trauma on the nervous system.

A virtuous cycle

As someone who works freelance, and mostly from home, having solid friendships and great connections is vital to my overall wellbeing. It’s much harder to maintain relationships when you can’t have ‘corridor conversations’ or you’re not physically in the room. It’s for this reason that I’m so glad my daughter’s career has started out working full-time in an office. Human contact is good for the soul.

So a big thanks to my friend (waving at you James!) for a brilliant introduction. I’m hopeful that this person will soon be a guest on the Challenging University podcast which has become a bit of a virtuous cycle – connecting people who are dedicated to sharing their stories to help others.

One thing I’m especially proud of is how it’s offered a platform to organisations that are focused on helping people who might otherwise miss out on education or career opportunities – to check out some good, good people, visit: Helpful Organisations – Challenging University with Toni Kent

Watch me speak

Want to see what I’m like on stage? Check out my showreel below. And if you like it, you can book me to speak.

Listen to today’s episode of The 49er